"How did you do this to me twice?" Lexi exclaimed. For my Grey's lovers you know exactly what I'm talking about. As Lexi screams at Mark for putting her in a position yet again she promised herself she would never be in. For my non-Grey's Anatomy fans let me back track. Lexi and Mark were one of those couples that had it all but yet nothing at all. They had love, they had passion, they had lies and toxicity but in the end they chose each other every single time because that's what you do when they're your person. When they're your soulmate. And as many times as they would try to fight it, love always brought them back to each other.
When I sit and think about my own life experiences I try to recount the amount of times I wanted to scream that at a man. I have always prided myself on being open, to just about anyone. I'm an open book. Which is ironic for an author. But I have always felt this urge that anything I have gone through in my life, if it can help 1 single person I'll let it be known to the world. I don't carry much shame for things I have experienced because they have made me who I am today. For better or for worse, they have shaped me into this young woman. And I can't necessarily hate it, even if there are some memories I wish I could forget.
I loved this scene because while it's so relatable, more than ever I am pondering this thought. How when you can be so open about who you are, what you have gone through and what you will never tolerate again, go through it again? With someone new? You have finally broke the cycle, stopped the pattern and decided to move on. You walked away from the relationship and for the first time in a very long time, you have chose yourself. Yet you are thrown back into a scenario you promised you would never be in again. How does that happen? And maybe it isn't just relationships. Maybe it's your environment, your job, your family, whomever, whatever. That doesn't make much of a difference. What makes the difference is how can we put ourselves back into something we could scream from the rooftops we would never experience again?
Maybe we just need to forgive ourselves for having to go through it again. Maybe it is all just about changing the narrative and having to relearn bad habits to realize just how bad they really are. Maybe we do need to cry in those same places again, to learn that we have control to now smile there. I don't know. But what I do know is, is that it takes a special kind of person. A very special kind of person, sent by the devil himself to listen to you, to pretend to understand you, to try to be your peace, to calm your thoughts and satisfy your needs only to bring hell right back to your doorstep.
I am a full believer that everything happens the way it is supposed to. And I know that while you're stuck in the mud it is so hard to imagine how you're getting out. But I do know one day when you're casually walking down the street it'll hit you and you'll know why you fell into that quick sand again. And you'll be at peace knowing that although that person may have been sent to break you, they didn't. Because like Lexi you might have put me in that situation again, but I refused to let another person take control of my car. To sit in my drivers seat and to drive full speed. This is my story. My narrative. My words. And my life. Let them try and try and try again. No amount of words can break a person who knows how to go through the worst alone. And no poor actions will bring the strength of someone who knows how to rise from the ashes because they've had no other choice before.
Choose yourself, for yourself, day in and day out. Because the only reason Lexi was upset was that she knew once again she'd have to choose herself and walk away. And guess what? Choosing yourself is the only way every time.